The Old Dog and Her Old Man

Awhile ago, my husband and I began secretly chatting about puppies. You know, the miniature beasts that steal your heart and then poo all over your carpet?

Quickly it became less of a secret. Mainly because our children like to pretend they’re listening to music when they’re really eavesdropping on important conversations. When it comes to spying, they’re a cross between Jason Bourne and Austin Powers. They’re quite adept at reconnaissance, but they can’t stop giggling about it.

My husband has been the main holdout in the puppy scheme. He was worried how our dog would take the change, and even though he’s never acted particularly enamored of her, Charlie has made it her life’s work to show him how much she loves him.

For example:

I walk in the door, she nods imperceptibly and drops her head again as if the energy expended in doing so may have caused a breaker to blow.

HE walks in the door and she’s all asking him about his day, handing him his slippers, rolling her eyes in my direction and whispering, “She STILL doesn’t know what she’s making us for supper!”

So, awhile back, my husband had to go out of town. He had an early flight and Charlie was in the backyard when he left. When she came back in, she couldn’t find him. She performed an exhaustive search, and eventually fell asleep behind the couch. He wasn’t there.

For two days, she walked nervously around the house, going out, coming back in, checking the laundry room (in case he was hiding next to the treats), sleeping in weird places and barking randomly. I started thinking she wasn’t so crazy about the puppy scheme either.

Then, my husband, the love of her life, sent her a video message.

It said, “Hey girl! I’ll be home soon! Who’s a good girl? Wanna treat?”

I played it over and over until I was the one wanting the treat. She loves him so much I was afraid I’d never get my phone back.

But thankfully it worked.

And now we return to the puppy scheme.

charlie on the phone

Low Key Practice {Omaha Photographer}

My client tomorrow wants some low-key portraits of her son. Fabulous, you say!

Sure! Except for the fact that low-key is something I normally only accomplish by accident.

So, this morning I woke up in a cold sweat, remembering tomorrow is the day and I have done nothing to prepare.

Time to get my Learn On.

But first, a cup of coffee and a little physical therapy to start the day…

a funny video of people lip-reading for football players…

the sweetest gaggle of kittens rolling around in a basket…

And…Ahem!

It’s noon and I still don’t know how to do a low-key portrait on purpose. Eeek!

So, I decided to use my Interwebical Powers for good. Thankfully, except for that bad batch of fudge last Christmas, the interweb rarely disappoints. There are so many things I learned here and I found a number of awesome examples here. In addition to that, I tapped the knowledge of a few fellow photographers who have experience with low-key shooting. Like HUMAN BEINGS that I KNOW. It was via the internet, but I totally could have called them too. No, really. I’m sure I have the phone number here somewhere.

I was starting to feel like I could totally handle this and it was getting to be time to put all this new found knowledge to the test. But this is where it gets hard, because the only subject available for testing was

 

me.

Self Low Key

Low-Key Self-Portrait. Oh good Lord, next time let the neighbors be home when I need them.

 

Dear January, You Give Me Heartburn

Well hello, January! So nice of you to pop in. You know, right after December like that.

I know you’re just another month, but isn’t it funny all the hope and anxiety and heartburn that goes into you every year?

Thirty days have September, April, June and November…

But you, January! You are thirty-one days of vicissitude. (< My new favorite word. Look it up.)

The new workout, notebook and Christmas sweater are all staring at me, wondering why I’m afraid of them.

You love me too much, January. You have such high hopes for me and I feel like I let you down every time.

So, can we agree to disagree on the workout?

I’ll do the elliptical a few times a week, but let’s ignore anything with the words “race” or “run” in it.

What about the journal?

I love the notebook, but I think a daily journal entry would strangle my spirit, leaving it gasping by the side of the road, whispering gutturally, “Whyyy? Why do you care that I think I have more zits today than yesterday, and that I could kiss the person who invented soft pretzels?” It’s painfully true. Some things are better left unjournaled.

And as for the sweater?

I resolve to wear it and I will love it.

I promise.

Thank you for wanting me to be better. Just for that, here’s a kitty.

Kitty Croatia

 

Neil Diamond and the Ultimate Betrayal

As some of my friends and family are aware, I’ve been stumbling down Memory Lane lately with the recent arrival of the shipment from our storage unit. This precious trash was so valuable to us that we paid to keep it safely in storage for more than 8 years. I’m so glad I found that dental reminder from 2000. And that gas company magnet with the 1997 calendar is really special to me.

More importantly, however, is the discovery of my high school journal.

I feel comfortable that you won’t judge me too harshly if I share this little bit. And if you do? Well, you probably weren’t going to ask me to prom either.

 

February 15, 1987

To preface this vignette, I had worked myself into quite a dither over not being asked to prom. Nobody in the whole world could possibly understand what I was going through (except maybe Samantha Baker and everybody knows she ended up with Jake Ryan anyway, so she wasn’t going to be much help.) And to top it off, the boy I wanted to go with had just asked my friend instead of me, so after a several pages of self-loathing, I finally scribbled:

 

Why can’t I laugh?

Why does your nose run when you cry?

Why does Neil Diamond turn me off so?

All valid questions in their own right. And in case you were wondering, my feelings for Neil Diamond have not changed in 25 years.

After rediscovering this today, I flashed to the not-so-distant future when our boys unearth this book after I succumb to malaria while attempting to rescue orphaned children on the island of Barbados. (Warmer than Russia and more tropical than Africa. Let’s be realistic here. My selflessness has its boundaries.)

I pictured their faces as they skimmed each mortifying page.

And that’s when I decided tonight would be a good night for a bonfire.

But something made me turn the page one more time.

 

By the way, that’s called cursive handwriting. Let me know if you need a translation.

I had never seen this before. This is not my handwriting. It’s not my sisters’, or my mother’s. In fact, I’m pretty sure my mom gave up listening to Stryper long before October 1988.

You see, I was in my first semester of college in the Fall of 1988, probably feeling equally as miserable and filled with hatred for Neil Diamond as I was in 1987.

This handwriting must belong to my college roommate…

WHO READ MY JOURNAL.

 

It’s a Major Award {Omaha Photographer}

I did a few things over the weekend.

I drank at least $20 worth of fancy coffee.

I drove circles around the town where the World’s Largest Ball of String resides (not to be mistaken for the World’s Largest Ball of Twine.)

I ate at Chick-fil-A two times. This is not a political statement. Good chicken is hard to find.

And I won a major award.

What’s that? You want to know more about my major award? Well, I suppose I’ve got a few free minutes.

FotoChaos Photographer of the Year. They never knew what hit ‘em.

 

It all started when I became friends with a fellow photographer who is incredibly encouraging and supportive. Her name is Jenny Gegg of Jenny Gegg Photography. You should really check her out. This nice person introduced me to a whole passel of nice people who are also encouraging and supportive. That group is called FotoChaos.

These introductions allowed me to see the door that was hiding a room of possibilities. All I had to do was kick it open.

Ha! I wish I could say that’s what I did, but in reality I knocked, peeked through the crack, and whispered in a fake British accent, “Would you mind too terribly if I came in?”

Bottom line, there was a contest. I gathered 5 of my bestest images, closed my eyes and pressed the upload button.

Four of them earned above average scores, which is good, but not award-winning in itself.

One of my images earned a merit. If you’re not bored yet and want to know what that means exactly, click here. Boiled down, it means the image was technically accurate, engaging and well done. This image earned the merit:

~ S’more Please ~ a michael and mom creation

Lucky for me, the combination of the above average scores and the merit image earned me the award. In addition to that wonderfulness, they also informed me that if I had been a member of the Professional Photographers of Missouri, I would have earned a spot in the TOP TEN in the points category.

It was a lot to take in all at once! Walking to the front of the room was horrifying. My legs were like poorly cooked pasta and all my images were up on the screen for everyone to see.

After spending the last 24 hours in close quarters with these awesomely talented people and having been protected by relative anonymity, it suddenly felt like the cashier was asking for a price check on that box of Rogaine for Women in my cart.

But they weren’t laughing. They were clapping. For me.

Here are the other four images. I have a long way to go. There is so much I want to do and so much I need to learn, but first, please excuse me while I find a place to hang that pretty plaque.

This Old House

In the Shadow of the Vatican

On the Ball

The Way to Hogwarts

 

 

The Post Where She Tries to Explain Her Husband to Regular People

Anyone who has spent more than 46 seconds with my husband knows that he has a quirky, unstoppable, inimitable, sometimes unfollowable, and other times pinpoint accurate way of looking at the world.

Time spent talking to him was described to me once as, “A mental roller coaster. Like Space Mountain in the dark.”

I was thankful for the person who said that because he got it. There’s nothing better than someone who “gets” you. Not a lot of people get my husband. He uses hand gestures, visual aids and reenacts parts of movies to help you along. But sometimes they still don’t get it. Really, people? I can only imagine how your geometry teacher must have felt.

Because of this, oftentimes listening to him is like trying to tune in a radio from the middle of a cornfield. You can almost get it, but the farm report from the next station is turning Black Eyed Peas into a Rick Dee’s Weekly Top 40 discourse on declining crop conditions.

I’m so 3008
Soybeans 2000 and late
Gotta get that boom boom boom
Corn futures boom boom boom 

Bottom line is, corn production is down, but it has a good beat and you can dance to it.

Other times, he makes such an excellent and well-articulated point that you want to elect him to office. A prime example is the year I was taking an architecture class. Mid-semester I suddenly declared a change in my life’s manifesto to include crocheting hats for the Third World; thereby nixing my original intention of line dancing across America.

jerry

You can dress ‘em up …

I mean, how is the Third World going to benefit from an American line dancer? Surely what they need are more hats … and architects, definitely more architects.

He said he had some concern that I was becoming – to quote him directly – “an inch deep and a mile wide.” I considered this phrase for a moment while I was punching him in the gut, and realized, huh. I kinda AM.

But, alas, this isn’t about me! (And don’t even think about asking about the damn hats. All the best manifestos are written in pencil.)

To his credit, this man, as befuddling and enlightening as he can be, has always had a single vision.

I’ll be honest. I’m in this gig 21 years and I still don’t really know what his single vision is, so let’s just go with World Domination.

Speaking of World Dominators, morph together a slightly younger Al Gore and Phineas & Ferb’s Dr. Doofenshmirtz. Good looking, clearly has a plan, but it’s never clear what that plan might be.  People might call my husband crazy, but when the earth’s climate takes a turn for the worst and his Global Cool-inator saves the galaxy, you’ll be saying, “Ooooooohhhh … that’s what he was trying to tell us!”

By now, my betrothed is reading this thinking, “I thought this would be delightful romp of a commentary into understanding me better. But it’s really just more confusing. I think I’ll go have a spoonful of peanut butter and ponder my rebuttal.”

I don’t blame him. I forgot where I was going with this too.

Oh yes, of course! Today is his birthday. And what do you get Al Doofenshmirtz for his birthday?

Right.

I don’t know either. So, as of this moment, it’s a loving blog post for the man who has – and is – everything.

Sorry dear!

I love you like a mental roller coaster.